I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
