Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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