I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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