I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
