yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
