Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
