do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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