I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
