I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
