He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
