She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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