I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
