I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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