I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
