I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
