I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
