The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish my penis had a tongue
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
