I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
