So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
