The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize