I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
