Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.