He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
