just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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