my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need to sanitize my soul.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
