eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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