im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
