he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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