I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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