i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
