I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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