Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
