the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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