i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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