I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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