Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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