So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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