why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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