I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
