i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
