She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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