last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
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you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I want is dick and wine.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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