I met the friendliest cop last night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
