I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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