I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I cut my penus on the lid.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
