Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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