I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
