How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
