I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
