I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
