I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
