Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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