I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
