Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.